Wednesday 25 May 2011

Hertfordshire 7s

The Harpenden Praetorian team, absent of a few regulars was never the less as handsome and well groomed as you would expect from such a prestigious organisation. The day started badly, with the team turning up a good 2 hours before our first game. Despite this early arrival, captain Spiers made the executive decision to watch the IRB International Sevens, right up until 15 minutes before kick off. Team manager Rolfe made a big impact early, stamping his authority on the team with a 6 pack of Carlsberg and 20 Marlboro Lights. Despite the unorthodox leadership style, the praetorians started well in their first of just 2 pool games.

The Group Stages:

Hosts Fullerians were the opponents, but with Ash Smith running in an early score after breaking from midfield, Harps took control. Marchon’s kicking was a delight, and big boys Spiers and Sherrin took full advantage of this with some serious ball winning at the restart. Stagg, whose pink boots were nearly as handsome as the try he scored, breaking from halfway with a delightful step and a glint in his eye. Harpenden ran in more tries, with Eddison and Spies getting on the score sheet with some delightful team play.

A good win was followed up with a fantastic warm up in preparation for the second game. Despite this, Harpenden went 10-0 down after some slack defence and poor comms out wide. Discipline and order was restored in the Harps rank, with Josh Sherrin stepping up and taking control of the D. A make or break moment for the praetorians, as they had to decided whether to man up and overcome the odds, or lie down and take a place in the Shield event. The question was answered with powerful running from the likes of Spiers and Tony, and despite a horrific missed tackle from Murphy, harps came through with superb scores from both Andy and Ash once again. It is unclear whether Murphy’s hangover and dangerously high blood alcohol content levels played a part in the missed tackle. Local medical experts have suggested it may have played a part. Captain Spier's Off Road jeep played a big part as base camp for the tiring but determined Praetorians. After tedious but critical post match tactical and statistical analysis, Team Manager/Drunk Rolfe discovered an enlightening fact. Harps with Tristan on the field 5-14; Harps without Tristan on the field 33-14. We had found the weak link in our battered and bruised amour. With both Stagg and Marchon kicking at around 75%, Eddison decided to put his two cents in, demanding to take a touchline with the confidence of a pro. The resulting kick failed to reach the 22, letting the team, the supporters, but mainly himself and his family name.

At the halfway stage of the event, serious topics were brought up such as Speirs hair and spear throwing ability, Marchon informing me of his uncle/cousins exploits as a Man United scout, and Sharpie scaring small children by waving at them and hiking his shorts up to reveal some thigh.

The Semi-final:

The old enemy Old Ashmoleans were the opponents for the Semi's, and the Harpenden boys hit top gear in the one sided clash. Stagg's chip over the top was followed with some fine footwork, as the international soccer star dribbled home despite pressure. Questions of Marchon’s kicking ability and sexuality were raised in the second half, with none of his first 3 re-starts making it 10m. His form improved after the embarrassing slump, although the sexuality question is left for another day. 7 Tries were ran in from the Praetorians overall, with Andy and Strain going over in style. Matt Sharpe, returning from a brief exile into the world of homosexuality and rugby league impressed with a stunning break from 60 out. His twisty running and gangly legs proving too much for our rivals and his homo-sexuality was confirmed when he off-loaded unselfishly to the supporting Andy. Marchon piled on the points with a cheeky grubber through for Stagg to gather and run through under the sticks.

The Final:

Harpenden had a distinct swagger about them by this point, with top try scorer Stagg confident enough to declare he would treat everyone to a trip to the cinema to watch Fast Five to celebrate. However with tired legs and a tough opposition in Letchworth approaching, tactical thinking was required. Team manager Rolfe provided invaluable support from the touchline with some very original chanting of 'Come on praetorians'. The starting team looked ready for war, hoping to show the excited crowd they had the substance to match their abundance of style and hair care products. A first few minutes was optimized with Speirs attempting a 30m out the back door flick in his own 22. Needless to say it was intercepted for a score under the sticks and Harpenden were on the back foot. Roars of encouragement and some very fierce running from Sherrin kept Harps spirits up despite the deficit. Harpenden dug deep and kept the score board ticking, but then again so did Letchworth, and the 14 point difference was maintained going into the final few minutes. The likes of Andy and Sherrin put in some serious hits, and a try scoring opportunity presented itself with Triss breaking away out wide, his attempted chip was thwarted by late tackle, and his air kick was very embarrassing. Despite this, the ref did not see the obvious knock on, and Tony thundered over the line to bring Harpenden to within 10 points. However, an unidentified member of the crowd alerted the referee of the knock on, and proceeded to take the touch judges flag and govern the rest of the game, despite the protests of Spiers and Sharpie. The final score was 35 - 17 with Letchworth worthy winners.

The post match depression was conquered with beer and cider. With the award ceremory hosted, jointly by Captain Spiers and Lieutenant Marchon, was littered with numerous impressions of South African accents, with Murphy repeating the same line from Blood Diamond and Triss sounding more like a Zulu warrior than anything else. Voting for Dick of the Day was very close. Tristan was nominated for a fumbling attempt at a chip, Sharpie as always was a front runner for Dick of the Day, eager to add to his multiple Dick awards. However Edison walked away winner for his blunder with the conversion. Player of the day was a close run thing between the likes of Sherrin, Stagg and Smith all nominated. Sherrin for his hard running and work at the breakdown, Stagg for his pace and diamond earrings, and Smith for consistent good play. A tie between Stagg and Smith was settled by a game of scissors paper stone, with Ash victorious. The two winners and losing finalist downed their respective punts of Guinness with aplomb, finishing in unison. Overall Runners up was a fair reflection of a Junior Praetorians squad, who look on to a bright future as the Praetorian Academy.

Team; Jim Spiers (c), Tom Stagg, Triss Francis, Matt Sharpe, Charlie Marchon, Tony Strain, Ash Smith, Josh Sherrin, Jack Murphy, James Eddison, Andy

Team manager; George Rolfe